As many of you know, my first marriage was not a fairy tale relationship. There were many
sleepless nights and tears shed during that time in my life. My mother never prepared me to
be a wife. (Not her fault as she was never prepared to be one either.) On the other side of the
coin my husband was also never taught what it meant to be a husband. Surprise, surprise,
most of my generation doesn’t have a clue how to be either of these or parents for that
matter. Anyway back to my tears. I spent a lot of time crying and trying to make my husband
understand how I felt. I clearly remember one time when he said, “you are just crying to try
and make me feel bad.” At the time I was devastated. How could he be so mean? How could
he so flippantly dismiss my pain? I vowed that day that I would become strong and never be
treated like a baby again. I would do everything in my power to not cry in front of him again.
As the years went by and things disintegrated more and more and pain came again and
again, I got very good at ignoring it, stuffing it and not crying over it. By the time we finally got
divorced I was a master at hiding my emotions. I (not knowing it at the time) had vowed to
myself that no one would ever hurt me that bad again. I would not let them close enough to
do it again. Over the years I went from relationship to relationship never blinking an eye as
each one ended. Stuffing became a way of life. Fast forward several years, I’m serving God,
have a wonderful husband and for some reason I can’t figure out why I can’t get close to him
the way I want to.

 About a year into our marriage we went through some seeking of God with a dear friend and
one day while talking to her she said, “the Holy Spirit wants to heal some things in you, just
say whatever comes to your mind.” I began to think about my childhood and how I had
always felt left out, the black sheep, never quite loved as much as my sister (not true but
something I had always felt). I began sobbing uncontrollably, but you know me stuff, stuff,
stuff. When I was done crying about it, I stuck it back down in there and unknowingly again
decided to just live with it, after all I could never change the fact that I never really did fit in
with them (my perception). I had become comfortable with the lump that came into my throat
whenever I thought about it. I knew exactly how to push it back down and ignore it. Now from
time to time in overwhelming circumstances (funerals and such) it was allowed to come out
for a little while but was always stopped before it had a chance to overtake me. Usually when
it tried to rear it’s ugly head, the farthest it could get was to make a lump in my throat and
maybe a tear or two to well in my eyes but then I’d muster up all that was within me and cut it
off.

 I was strong, I was woman hear me roar, I was in control, no one could hurt me……I was
miserable, I was alone, and deep down I was afraid I’d never be able to love again. As the
years went by I allowed God to whittle bits and pieces of my hard heart away here and there.
Things got better with my husband and I started to feel like there was hope of completely
loving again. Then a few weeks ago I had a birthday. At my church everyone sings happy
birthday to the person during the service right before their birthday. My birthday was on
Tuesday and the Sunday before came and went and no singing. I stuffed, ok they just forgot,
they’d remember Wednesday night. I went there Wednesday night almost afraid of what I’d
feel if they forgot. The thoughts reeled through my head. Why do they have to do this stupid
singing thing? They need to stop doing it. It’s dumb anyway. The time of service was
approaching fast, pastor Kathie began talking about the tape we would be listening to that
night. Ok, that was officially it, they had forgot. They would have done it before now. Tears
begin to well up in my eyes, the lump started forming in my throat, what is wrong with me,
why doesn’t anyone ever care enough about me to remember me? Stuff it fast, it’s going to
show, they’re going to see you and then you’re going to have to explain what’s a matter.
They’ll think you’re a big whining baby. It’s just a stupid song. They didn’t mean to forget
you, they are all busy with their own things. Except, they are suppose to be your friends, they
have talked again and again about being family, family doesn’t forget birthdays. Oh no tears
again, lump forming, don’t let them see you, you big baby. This whole time Kathie is still
talking about the teaching and I’m not hearing a word she’s saying. Ok focus, you need to get
your mind off yourself and on Jesus. He’s the important One here tonight. People mistreat
and forget Him all the time and you don’t hear Him crying about it. The last thing Kathie says
before she starts the teaching is “Now I know it may be hard to cry here in front of everybody
like you would if you were home alone but I want you to let it out if you feel like God’s doing
something in you.” DVD starts and Pastor Steve Gray from World Revival Church in Kansas
City, Mo. begins his teaching. I still have a battle going on inside me so it’s hard to focus on
what he’s saying but I try. All the sudden He begins talking about those little hurts we have.
“The one’s that come up every once in awhile. You know the one’s that aren’t that big of a
deal” he says, “you know you’ll be ok but they are still there so you push them down
because you don’t want to sound like a whiner.” That was it, the final blow. It was like a cork
popping off a bottle of champagne, I couldn’t control it any longer. The tears flowed for the
whole rest of the teaching. My husband tried several times to ask me what was wrong but
there was so much going on inside me I didn’t understand, there was no way I could have
expressed it all quietly to him while the teaching continued. As Pastor Steve continued, he
began to talk about Mother’s Day and how he tried to be sensitive to women who couldn’t
have children and he began to weep as he talked about it. He talked about how there came a
time when he realized God wasn’t mad at him. All the sudden I realized that I was seeing the
heart of Father God. He isn’t mad when we cry; He doesn’t think we are big babies. He
doesn't want us to continue to stuff, He wants us to let it out so He can heal us. The next few
days I cried and cried. I let it all come out. And by the way they did sing to me at the next
service. They do love me after all.

 As the next few weeks went by God began to show me how many times I was actually
stuffing my feelings. Things would try to come up and I would stuff them back down. Then
one Sunday morning during praise and worship I started to see how stuffing had become a
habit. We have been crying out in prayer a little over a year now for God to move with
miracles and power through us but I began to see how every time He tried to rise up in me
with tears or shouting or laughter, I stuffed it. It had become such a habit to stuff that I did it
without even realizing I was stifling the Spirit of God from moving and doing the very thing I’d
been praying for.

 The last few weeks I have become very aware of when I’m stuffing and every time I feel
myself stopping up the well of what’s trying to come out, whether it be God or something I’m
trying to hide from, I remove the stop and let it come. It has been wonderful, it has been life
changing. I’m planing on doing this teaching at my church on Sunday and I’m anticipating
some crying and I have every intention of letting it come. I don’t care what they think about it,
it’s time to let things out. We say we are crying out to God but I haven’t actually seen or heard
very much crying during those times. A little here and there but I don’t hear a desperate cry
yet. I have a feeling there’s a lot of stuffing going on besides just mine.

 It’s time for the church to look around at what’s going on and let the heart of God cry out
through us. That is what He is wanting in this hour, a bride after His own heart. One who will
see the pain and anquish around her and not stop the tears. I found this scripture in

Lamentations 2:11 My eyes fail from weeping, my emotions are deeply disturbed, my heart is
poured out upon the ground [in grief] because of the destruction of the daughter of my people,
because infants and nurslings faint in the streets of the city. 12 They keep crying to their
mothers, Where is corn and wine [food and drink]? as they faint like wounded men in the
streets of the city, as their lives ebb away on their mothers' bosom. (Amplified)
13    How shall I console you?
To what shall I liken you,
O daughter of Jerusalem?
What shall I compare with you, that I may comfort you,
O virgin daughter of Zion?
For your ruin is spread wide as the sea;
Who can heal you? (New King James)
14 Your prophets have predicted for you falsehood and delusion and foolish things; and they
have not exposed your iniquity and guilt to avert your captivity [by causing you to repent]. But
they have divined and declared to you false and deceptive prophecies, worthless and
misleading. 15 All who pass by clap their hands at you; they hiss and wag their heads at the
Daughter of Jerusalem, saying, Is this the city which was called the perfection of beauty, the
joy of all the earth?16 All your enemies have opened wide their mouths against you; they
scornfully hiss and gnash their teeth. They cry, We have swallowed her up! Certainly this is
the day we have looked for; we have it, we see it! (Amplified)

  This is the new cry of my heart. I want like the writer of this scripture to see the destruction
around me and be able to cry out to God in it. I do not want any longer to stuff my feelings, to
hide behind them and say 'but God there’s nothing I can do about it'. There is nothing I alone
can do about it but, if I stop stuffing and let Him out of me there is a whole lot He can do
about it!

Father, today I pray that we open the floodgates of our hearts. That we no longer stop up the
wells of Your Holy Spirit but that we let it flow through us. That we cry out in desperation to
see Your Kingdom come. Lord we repent from damming up the river you are trying to run
through us and yield to its flow. Thank You Lord for revealing this to us and for giving us the
Grace to overcome it. We love You, Lord!
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Stopped Up Wells
April 27, 2008