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June 30, 2006 It seemed like my worst fears had come true. After 30 years I was again faced with losing all my material possessions because of putting my faith in a person. I had decided back then, I would never again let anyone do this to me. I would never be left homeless and hungry again. It seemed my memories and fears, left over from my first marriage, had again surfaced. I thought the anger and bitterness was gone and yet, here are all those old feelings again. And me, planning ahead for a disaster that may or may not come. What could I possibly have to sing about? I had turned everything over to my husband a while back. I had done the best I could with what I had been given. God showed me that by me trying to remain in control, and doing my best, I was out of order in my relationship with my husband. I knew we were having financial problems, but I didn't know how bad it really was. It began with coming home to no lights. The power had been turned off and I had no warning. I guess I should have been angry but at the time it didn't seem that big of a deal. I can still cook and take a shower and I have a good cooler to keep food in. I still have a roof over my head and after all, I wanted to go camping anyway. It will be an adventure, a hot one in June and July, but an adventure just the same. So what's different this time? Why do I suddenly feel like singing? This time, I know God is right by my side. He's giving me comfort and peace and joy even when it doesn't look like, to the world, any reason to have comfort and peace and joy. Isaiah 54 has been a scripture that has taken me through many different trials in my short but eventful walk with God. Giving me hope for children when I never had any of my own or any hope of having one, giving me courage to speak when what I had to say wasn't going along with the "norm". This scripture has spoken to many things but never in it's entirety. Now through the counsel of a dear friend, I was reminded of that scripture. It spoke volumes to me this time as I prayed and heard God speak into me with those words. Not just parts of the scripture, but every word spoke into me. I want to share with you the wonders of God's words in my life. These words came to light like never before. ISAIAH 54 1) Sing O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband, says the Lord. I spent so much of my life barren. I thought because I was never able to have children that I would always have to live with the emptiness I felt. After finding God and having time to start to know Him, I find I was empty because I was without Him. I wasn't seeing any fruit in my life because there was nothing to produce the fruit. And then God came in and filled me with His Spirit. I thought the only way to have children was in a natural sense. I didn't know birthing spiritual children could be so fulfilling. Many (children) have been birthed in my spirit, many revelations from God, and just as many words of confirmation, cause me to now have a joy I can't describe, a fullness beyond anything I've ever felt. Oh, I still desire to have a child of my own, but the emptiness isn't there any more. Right now, God has birthed in me so many spiritual children that need to be nurtured, that my focus is on God for direction on how to raise them. I want my devotion to be to Him, nothing else. I'm spending more time with a song in my heart and on my lips, even on the not so great days. There are many times these days I feel like shouting for joy or crying tears of joy. So many tears have fallen lately it's like a daily baptism, a cleansing that's long overdue. So what is joy? It's described as: emotion evoked by well-being, success or good fortune, gladness or delight. Well, that doesn't even begin to describe how I really feel. Only through God's word can I find a definition that gives me true comfort. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10) Joy and strength, now that's a combination I can live with. I see it as my faithfulness giving God joy and His joy giving me strength. The scriptures have so much to say about joy. I've been looking for the answer to what joy means for me and I find, "the joy of the Lord". God, through the scripture, even gives us direction on how to receive "the joy of the Lord". "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on My holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please and speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." (Isaiah 58:13-14) Sounds simple, huh? Just go to church faithfully. NOT!!! We don't honor the Sabbath just because we go to a church, we honor it by faithfully devoting ourselves to the Lord in all we see, say and do. Why would'nt we want to do as He says so we can not only receive His joy but also our part of the inheritance. What is there in our "own way" and "doing as we please" that could be better than "the joy of the Lord"? 2) Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. Now it seems there are so many things going off in me, I'm bursting out all over. Like everything has gotten so big that I can't contain it. I don't have those feelings of being closed in or shut up any more, I don't want to hold back anything. All the (children) God has given me has filled my tent to overflowing. God has been speaking so much into my life: letting go of the food addictions and control addictions, learning to stop hating myself and see myself through His eyes, digging out the causes of bitterness that keep controlling my actions and thoughts. All this has caused me to search, to stretch my tent curtains wide, to find the answers to letting go of those areas that drag me down and welcome God's (children) in. God reminds me to "strengthen my tent stakes". How do I do that? The only way to get strength is through "the joy of the Lord". I stay faithful and God receives joy in my faithfulness. His joy is my strength. 3) For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will disposes nations and settle in their desolate cities. The (children) God has birthed in me are already growing and spreading out. They already have a strong impact on my thoughts and actions. I don't have thoughts without God's voice behind them. I don't mean I only have good thoughts or that I only do what God says, I'm not there yet. I mean, even when my thoughts and actions are wrong, God is there to remind me. I'm still spending way too much time saying I'm sorry, but only because, now, I hear God's direction. I'm beginning to move out beyond my natural ability and I'm wanting to spread out as far as God wants. It would be so wonderful if everyone could feel the excitement I feel. Wonderful but, NOT HAPPENING. Some people seem to run from it when they see how much work is involved. It really isn't something that can be blocked off an hour here or an hour there. It's a full time transformation, a full time commitment. You have to be ready at a moments notice to move into the next "dispossessed nation" or settle in the next "desolate city". If you aren't constantly spreading out, you might miss the next call. You never know where it will come from or how loud it will be. How many calls have I already missed in my own selfishness? How many more will there be? The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (I Kings 19:11-13) God may not come to you in a big miraculous way, He may come in a whisper. It seems impossible sometimes to silence myself long enough to hear beyond my own thoughts. The roar of my own selfishness can be louder than God's voice. Are you ready, willing and able to hear Him when He calls for you? How many calls have you missed? May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14) In this scripture David is asking for approval of his words and thoughts, God's approval. How wonderful to begin every day with that same attitude, asking God for His approval and guidance in my thoughts and words. How else can I be prepared for His call in my life? 4) "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. God promised I won't have to suffer shame or fear, disgrace or humiliation for past deeds. He forgave me and forgot the deed when He sent Jesus to die for my sins. He promised all my past was erased, and He meant it. Because I stay in relationship with God I don't have to doubt His promises even though it's apparent that I still have doubts. Only if I choose to leave Him will His protection stop. Only by my choice. As I said before, I still spend way too much time saying I'm sorry, but I don't have to hold onto the things I'm sorry for. I do have to do my part at changing them and that's no easy task when you've held on so tight for so long. If I continue to listen, God will give me all I need to make the changes. He has even allowed me to see my sins disappear in a fog, never to return to them. As for fear, shame, disgrace and humiliation, God says they don't affect me. Nothing from the past can affect me unless I choose to hold on to it, unless I choose it over God. 5) For your Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called God of all the earth." I've managed to hold on to feelings from my past that told me to not trust. I even put such unrealistic expectations on people that they could never live up to them. That way I could have some excuse for things not working out right. I did this for years with my husband. I made sure he could never be the perfect husband, even if he was, because I always expected more from him than he could ever give. I've managed to make it impossible for him to please me. How can I blame him for not trying as hard any more. With God as my true husband, my only Savior, no matter what happens in the natural - no matter who lets you down in this world or what your expectations are from others - He is the only one who remains constant. He reminds me of where I've been and gives me hope for where I'm going, He corrects me and praises me and always loves me. He won't forsake His vows to me - He's my Redeemer! 6) "The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. God will always be there for me, even if I'm deserted by the world. Even if everyone else deserts me, He's still with me. In the past, my feelings of abandonment caused such a feeling of depression, I didn't care to go on. Now, even when I feel rejected by my husband I know God is still working through me, so He never goes away. My husband doesn't really mean to reject me, he is only reacting to the rejection he's felt from me in the past. God has helped me to see where I've made my mistakes in my marriage and all I can do now is continue to let Him show me the right way to live and be an example for my husband. |
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| Sing O Barren Woman |
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